Sad News

Bryson and I have had a pretty hard weekend, and have some sad news to share. I have had a late miscarriage. I went to the doctor for my 16 week check up on thursday afternoon, and everything was going smoothly until they pulled out the doppler. They couldn't find a heartbeat. They did a few ultrasounds to confirm that the heart had stopped beating and the baby was no longer alive. Of course that was devastating news, but it got a little worse. They did some measurements on the baby, and because the baby was too big to come out any other way, I was going to have to go in to the hospital and deliver the baby. So, I left the office bawling and called Bryson to come pick me up. After a long evening with a lot of tears, we prepared ourselves for a very different labor and delivery than what we were expecting in a few months. So, yesterday morning, we checked into the hospital early and got started with induced labor. I might get into more details later, but for now I'll keep it short and just say that it went as well as something like that can go. The hospital staff was absolutely wonderful and very comforting. Our nurse was so great, and they had social workers come in to talk to us about all of our options of what to do with the baby, etc. They even had a teddy bear for us to bring home to Davis. Some family who had a late miscarriage or stillbirth years ago donated build a bears to all the siblings/kids in families that have this happen. So sweet. Anyway, once the baby came, they got him all cleaned up and wrapped in a little blanket so that we could hold him. (yes, it was a little boy). They even made little hand and foot prints and well as little hand and foot molds for us to take home and keep as little momentos of our baby boy. It was heartbreaking and strangely comforting at the same time to be able to hold him and see his tiny little body. From just looking at him, there didn't appear to be anything wrong... everything seemed to be formed just perfectly, but both Bryson and I feel comforted in knowing that there was something wrong and that it was just not his time to come to our family. This was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do, and I am so sad about losing him before we ever got to really have him, but we are hopeful that this little spirit or others will be coming back soon to join us. One of the positive things about times like this is that it reminds you of all of the blessings that you have already, such as an amazing family and supportive friends that do so much to help us when we are down. My mom came in to town to be here with me at the hospital, and Bryson's family has spent the last few days taking care of Davis, feeding us, and helping with anything we need. I also have wonderful family and friends who have called to give support, sent flowers, or just let me cry while they listened patiently. Of course I don't think I could have gotten through any of this without Bryson and Davis. Davis is such a comfort and joy to me. His hugs heal faster than any words. And I am convinced that I have the best husband in the world. He knows when to cry with me, when to hold me, what to say, and what to do to make me feel better. Having him by my side makes anything seem bearable.
If you read this far, thanks for hanging in there. I wanted to include this poem that the nurse gave me at the hospital. Don't read it unless you want to cry, but it states perfectly how I feel.

To The Child in My Heart

O precious, tiny, sweet little one
You will always be to me
So perfect, pure, and innocent
Just as you were meant to be

We dreamed of you and of your life
And all that it would be
We waited and longed for you to come
And join our family

We never had the chance to play,
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to you giggle

I'll always be your mother
He'll always be your dad
You will always be our child,
The child that we had

But now you're gone... but yet you're here
We'll sense you everywhere
You are our sorrow and our joy
There's love in every tear

Just know our love goes deep and strong
We'll forget you never
The child we had, but never had
And yet will have forever